The Prison Hotel

The idea of turning old prisons into hotels is not a new one, and one of the best examples is the Malmaison in Oxford, England, but now I read that Brits are now captivated by a new tourist “hotel” — the notorious World War Two prison Colditz. So I can see the advertising campaign already, “Come to a place that others tried so dam hard to leave, some even died trying, and pay us for the privilege”.

Guests pay £20 a night to stay in the Nazi castle where Allied officers such as legless RAF hero Douglas Bader were held. The guards’ living quarters and offices have been spruced up and 161 beds installed for visitors. Meals are served in the canteen used by wartime staff. Guests get a three-hour tour of tunnels and hidden rooms used by PoWs in ingenious escape attempts.

Colditz, in southern Germany, housed troublesome British officers who had already made repeated breakout bids from prison camps. Birmingham-based battlefield tour specialists the War Research Society have won the right to offer the “prisoner experience”. Official Alex Bulloch said: “The accommodation is spartan but the idea is to give people an idea of what it was like to be there as a PoW.

 “Colditz is the trip of a lifetime for anyone interested in this aspect of the war. To stay under the same roof as the Allied officers is incredible.” More than 30 prisoners escaped from Colditz before US troops came to the rescue in 1945. But I guess it does have a real historical story behind it and a hotel is a sensible use for such a beautiful building, but making money from such a history would not be my idea.

The Underwater Hotel....

Within this blog I have found and written about the Death hotel and the Divorce hotel and to continue the thread of the weird and wonderful hotels of the world, ladies & gentlemen I now give you the Underwater Hotel, otherwise known as the Poseidon Undersea Resort, which is located in Fiji. Really ! a hotel built under the sea, sitting on the sea bed, and made of super plastic, oh I am just not too sure on this one, not sure at all.

Okay so I bet the claustrophobic comment comes up all the time and I bet they have their answer all ready, maybe something to do with the amount of view that eases that sensation would be my guess, but what the feeling that with all that water around you would just want to spent your whole time in the toilet?

The website for this hotel is: www.poseidonresorts.com and all I can really say is go and have a look for yourself and make up your own mind. At some point in my life I would love to visit and stay at all the worlds most unusual, unique hotels and this is definitely one of those, but, and I have to be honest, it is a massive but, I am really not sure I would want to sleep in a plastic bubble under the sea. I would not mind going to a restaurant, or an observation capsule, but actually falling asleep down there just does not appeal.

The idea of building hotels undersea is not new or unique, there is even plans for a £1.5billion project in Dubai or Abu Dhabi, which would of course be a 5 Star super luxury place, but even that does not get me over the idea of falling asleep under the sea. And yes I know that people who go around in submarines do that all the time, but I bet they don’t have a window next to their bed and wake up staring at the fishes’.

Team GB Football Kit

Okay so the kit for Team GB, the football team for Britain at the London 2012 Olympics has just been unveilled and I have to say I like it. It might just be a bit tight for me to ever wear, not sure I have the body for such a design, but I do like it.

I think it will also be interesting to see if next year in the EPL if teams that normally wear adidas with have a similar style and fit.

However for me, I have to say I would really like to see, The Ox wearing this shirt at the games, far more than playing for England at the Euro's, I think it would be far better for his development. Equally I would like to see team GB have a strong side, so I would also like to see Ramsey, Wilshere and Frimpong join him in the squad.

The Divorce Hotel

Some time ago I blogged about a hotel in Japan which was aimed for the dead!, Click Here and now I have come across another weird and wonderful idea for a niche market hotel concept, a hotel called the Divorce Hotel, Click Here

A hotel that has set itself up to organise, sort out and confirm your divorce over a weekend while staying in the hotel. OMG, I can’t believe the mind that thought this up. But then again, if you think about it, hotels have played a major part in the act of getting married, and in a lot of cases in the romance before hand, so maybe it is a logical conclusion that a hotel has now completed the circle and offered this. But a hotel doing divorces, as a hotelier it just leaves a bad taste in the mouth, and in a lot of ways I think it damages the romance of our industry.

But lets be fair on the people behind this. They had a business, they needed to find a way of selling rooms and filling the property, just as all hotels have to do. They spotted a gap in the market and filled it, so maybe it is not them that is to blame. After all this would not be generating news coverage if it was not working and if there was not a market for it. Equally if it does work, how long before this becomes a Brand and has hotels all over the world, I can see it in the USA, The UK and across Europe, and I could see it happening fast.

It is also interesting that when you look at the website for the business there are no bedroom, or restaurant pictures, it is just sales pitch and the prices starting from 2,449euro.

But it is sad that our world, our society has come to this, it is sad that the average marriage in the UK last less than 6 years, and it is not the hotels fault these marriages break down, so providing the service is just another example of the creativity of us hoteliers, but I am glad I did not have the idea, even if it turns out to be a massive success, I guess I am just a bit boring, and I just don’t like it.

Moral Test for all UK citizens .........

Moral Test....Read to the end before making a judgement.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which

you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

*** THE SITUATION: ***

You are in London .

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're

caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing

into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

*** THE TEST: ***

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....

You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza,

the one-eyed, hook handed bastard who hates non-Muslims and wants the

UK to become an Islamic state!!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer

Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's

most despised, evil and powerful men!

*** NOW THE QUESTION AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER ***

Would you select high contrast colour film or, would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

New Arsenal Shirt for 2012-13 season....

This is being reported as the new Arsenal Home shirt for next season, 2012-13. It was revealed on the website ArsenalInsider.com, who have a good track record for being the first to show the next seasons shirt. Oh my, I really hope that this time they have gotten it wrong. A grey collar, dark navy on the sleeves, just when will Nike understand a very simple english word, tradition !
Of course I will buy it, I have every shirt for the last 26 years, home, away, 3rd strip, everyone. And if this is to be the shirt, I would still buy it, but this is one that I would not wear, or ever like.

21 really funny one-liners, funny funny funny.......

1.    Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many levels.
2.    So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said: "You are."

3.    So I went down my local ice-cream shop and said: "I want to buy an ice-cream." He said: "Hundreds and thousands?" I said: "We'll start with the one."

4.    When I left home, my mum said: "Don't forget to write." I thought: "That's unlikely – it's a basic skill, isn't it?"

5.    Velcro... what a rip-off.

6.    So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Weggie Kray.

7.    I wanted to be a milkman but I didn't have the bottle.

8.    So I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

9.    I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.

10.  I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper... dicing with death.

11.  So I rang up British Telecom and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."

12.  Albinos – you can't say fairer than that.

13.  I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

14.  The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.

15.  I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said: "It depends where you're calling from."

16.  So I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

17.  I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

18.  So I went down the local supermarket. I said: "I want to make a complaint – this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said: "Those are pickled onions."

19.  I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

20.  I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

21.   "Conjunctivitis.com — that's a site for sore eyes."

Looking forward to getting old.............

ROMANCE  

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"

_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

_____________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE : So helpful !

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine..

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true!!!

The funniest video ever !!!

This is one of the funniest videos.  Not only is the guyon the far right hilarious, but the one to the immediate right is funny
because of his non-reaction for so long.  Watch the poor guy on the
far right.........

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed64755ab1/her-first-period

The link is safe and leads to a comedy site.

ABSOLUTELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND HILARIOUS

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it

inside.

========== =============================================== 

During last night's high winds a Nigerian family were killed by a

falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know

they were living up there".

===========================================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough

television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5

times a week now.

===========================================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a

fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.  

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

============================================================

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet

Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a

ladder that  rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the

ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room

where he meets

another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder

and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another

man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever

higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard

and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath

from all his  climbing.

"No my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

 "Yes, please, my Lord."

 God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!"

How Times are changing....

A friend of mine sent these to me and I have to say some really made me laugh and a few even made me cry. It is scarey just how true and how sad they are:

Occupy the world !

I have to start by saying I don't fully understand the whole Occupy movement. You see for me I was not there at the start, I was living in a remote part of Africa at the time, so the only exposure was CNN and a few posts on Facebook, mainly my daughter, so for me all it was was people moaning about life and how unfair it all was. So when I came home late last year I wanted to get up to speed on the whole thing.

I went to vist the Occupy London camp at St.Pauls, and I must be honest to say that the people there just reaffirmed my view. People just moaning about how unfair life was, how hard life was, how the rich were all evil, how bankers were all greedy and how the world would soon end. It was all negitive, I did not hear one positive idea or suggestion. I just came away thinking how pointless the whole thing was.

Then I went online, I now had access to YouTube and so I watched copious videos and started to see both sides of the debate. And it was there I saw the first positives, social media was really being used to convey a message, and thats a really good thing. But when you check Facebook, the Occupy Movement starts to look such an American thing, 90% of the groups were US, a good thing and a bad thing in my eyes. However thanks to this wave of voices, the injustises of a country I had been living in, Nigeria, suddenly have a band-wagon they could jump on, and so "Occupy Nigeria" could take place. This for me was the second real positive.

But my issues are this, what is the point ? what is the goal ? who are these people ? and most of all, what ideas are they putting forward ?

I have personally lived beside real poverty, lived in countries that excell at political and commercial corruption, I have seen first-hand the impact of greed, I have also lived in Nigeria and South Africa, but I do wonder if this movement can or will make an actual difference. One thing I have learned through life is never take things at face value, to question is to learn.

Facebook changes your mind

The explosion of Facebook and social media in recent years has sparked plenty of interesting societal, psychological and economic questions:

Why do so many people willingly splash their lives across the web?

What does it say about privacy in 2012?

How is this explosion changing media, technology and other industries around the globe?

A great essay in the Atlantic by Nathan Jurgenson tackles all of those questions and more.

The big idea?

Social media — like photography and other technologies before it — is altering the way that humans look at the world.

Here's how Jurgenson puts it:

For those who use Facebook, whose friends are on the site and logging in many times a day, we have come to experience the world differently. We are increasingly aware of how our lives will look as a Facebook photo, status update or check-in. As I type this in a coffee shop, I can "check-in" on Foursquare, I can "tweet" a funny one-liner overheard from the table next to me and I can take an 'interesting' photo of the perfectly-formed foam on top of my cappuccino. It is easy; I can do all of this and more from my phone in a matter of minutes. And, most importantly, there will be an audience for all of this. Hundreds of the people I am closest with will view all of this and some will reply with comments and "likes."
Simply, I have been trained to see the world in terms of what I can post to the Internet. I've learned to live and present a life that is "likeable."

To Jurgenson — "social theorist of media" who is working on a dissertation at the University of Maryland on "self-documentation and social media" — this should come as no surprise.

Technology has always changed the way that we view and interact with the world, from the discovery of fire, to the invention of the wheel, to the high speeds of railroads, to the earth-centric-shattering miracles of the space program.

Living life on the web is just another step on that long technological march.
"Today, social media has also provided a new, more social way to document ourselves, lives and world," he writes. "Never before was it possible to record and display to all of our friends a stream of photos, check-ins and status updates filled with our thoughts and opinions in such quantity and with such ease. The transformative power of social media surely is of similar magnitude and consequence as the invention of the photograph."

Interesting stuff, for sure.

A question for Nigerians

I was sitting watching YouTube videos of all the various OccupyNigeria protests and one thing struck me, one question came to my mind, so I thought I would ask it out load via my blog.

If a man came to each of you as an individual and offered to give you N1m, cash with no conditions, or they would build the worlds biggest oil refinery in Nigeria, which would you choose ?

I think there in lies just one of the reasons why today, after less than a week, the Occupy Nigeria movement is already closing down and winding up, why the movement is already over. You see for me, the vast majorty of nigerians are quite selfish, and most average nigerians, those earning N18k or less, the 90%, would take the N1m and not care that the oil refinery would solve so many of the countries problems.

Is that different from other countries, from other Occupy movements around the world? Yes I believe it is, and yes I believe that is very sad. Nigeria abeg, continue what you have started here and go for the real cause of your situation.

Goodluck Jonathan is not the problem. #occupynigeria

The uprising in Nigeria, the bandwagon that is now called “Occupy Nigeria” was born out of a natural reaction to the issue of the fuel subsidy being removed. On the back of all the worlds “Occupy” movements it was only natural that Nigeria would follow suit. This is a country with a very high social media usage, mainly Facebook, ridiculous levels of unemployment, a severe lack of education and the basics of a living standard, and so all the ingredients for this type of thing. Equally, with so many Nigerians now living in the western world, their tales of a better life have raised the expectation levels of the youth back home.

But one thing I have noticed while watching the videos on YouTube and Twitter is the anti Jonathan sentiment of those protesting. Okay so as President he is a natural target, but this is more about the man, rather than the position. For me, the target for all this should be the system, not the man. Lets be honest here, removing the subsidy is the correct thing to do, yes the timing sucks, and yes the speed of it could have been done better, but GEJ is doing the right thing and is having to take action because of the extreme failings of his predecessors. Nigeria is the 8^th biggest producer of oil in the world, so why does it have to import oil for its people? That is the biggest question. 

There are refineries in Nigeria, so fix them. If needs be, sell them to the private sector, regulate them, standardise them, condition them, but above all, get them working. Build new ones, maybe via a PPP, and place them in the states that don’t have oil, Cross River would be ideal, plus some of the northern states and then start to produce your own without having to import fuel. But this has been decades in the making, so its not down to GEJ, but fixing the problem is.   

Nigeria relies far too much on its Politian’s, for me, too many countries do that. Nothing works when governments are involved, less government will always result in more action. So my message for those involved in the Occupy Nigeria campaign, ignore GEJ, attack the government and Politian’s, attack the 1%, find a leader for the cause, but above all, create the solutions to the real problems, Goodluck is not the problem  

There is no such thing as Corruption in Nigeria #occupynigeria

I had the privilege to live and work in Nigeria for almost two years and in that time I met loads of Nigerian Politian’s, including His Excellency The President. But for the context of this post I have to go back to before I left England and headed to Naija. Before I left I went online and read all about the country. Violence, Fat Houses, poverty, no education, no roads, no health care, massive unemployment, and of course corruption, that’s all you read when researching Nigeria, that’s the outside world’s view of Nigeria. Fact, everything they say is correct, and is understated. Fact, all of this does not tell the whole story of one of this planets most wonderful countries. As you read this, know that the author is a super fan of Nigeria, I truly love the Federal Republic of Nigeria and its people.

But after living there I have to say, there is no such thing as corruption in Nigeria, not as we in the west know it. I remember a number of conversations with very senior people, “big boys” and journalists and they would all tell me the same thing, there is no corruption. But hold on I hear you say, we can see it, everywhere, and I for one experienced it, first hand. So what are they talking about? What am I talking about? Nigerians are very patriotic, they love their country and so no Nigerian will ever admit to me, an oyibo, that it exists. What does exist is “the Game”, and every single person plays that game.

“Eating the money” became my favourite expression within weeks of me arriving, “Chopping the money” and “small smalls” were sayings I soon had to learn the meaning of. You see the Game is how this country works, or rather, it is why this country does not work, but most Nigerians don’t see that. If a normal person chops some money, that’s okay, if a Politian does it, that’s the game, if an outsider does it, wahala day, especially if that outsider is black. No Politian in Nigeria can get anywhere without playing the game, no one. The game is so ingrained in the fabric of the nation, it is so integral that the whole system relies on it.

During my time in Nigeria I saw it first hand, Tax collectors, Union Representatives, Judges and Lawyers, hotel staff, sales people, suppliers, accountants, doctors and teachers, charity workers, including UN staff, civil servants, journalists, tourism officials, NGO’s, the police, government officials, immigration people, the SSS, absolutely everyone was playing the game in one way or the other. It is not corruption, it is the way it is, the way the country’s economy is built, even the anti-corruption people are playing the game ! But for me as an outsider, an oyibo, the single biggest failing of the system is that they would eat the money before doing the job, at the expense of doing the job, so nothing moves forward, nothing improves.

The lesson of Doctor Bob #joke #funny

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their

patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Bob...........                                 

Bob ...............

Bob..........

Bob........

...........you're a vet.

Nelson at Trafalgar 2012 #joke #funny

Nelson at Trafalgar 2012

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.  Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."