2. So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said: "You are."
3. So I went down my local ice-cream shop and said: "I want to buy an ice-cream." He said: "Hundreds and thousands?" I said: "We'll start with the one."
4. When I left home, my mum said: "Don't forget to write." I thought: "That's unlikely – it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
5. Velcro... what a rip-off.
6. So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Weggie Kray.
7. I wanted to be a milkman but I didn't have the bottle.
8. So I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
9. I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
10. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper... dicing with death.
11. So I rang up British Telecom and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."
12. Albinos – you can't say fairer than that.
13. I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."
14. The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
15. I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said: "It depends where you're calling from."
16. So I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."
17. I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
18. So I went down the local supermarket. I said: "I want to make a complaint – this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said: "Those are pickled onions."
19. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
20. I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
21. "Conjunctivitis.com — that's a site for sore eyes."
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