ABSOLUTELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND HILARIOUS

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it

inside.

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During last night's high winds a Nigerian family were killed by a

falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know

they were living up there".

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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough

television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5

times a week now.

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a

fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.  

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet

Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a

ladder that  rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the

ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room

where he meets

another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder

and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another

man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever

higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard

and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath

from all his  climbing.

"No my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

 "Yes, please, my Lord."

 God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!"

How Times are changing....

A friend of mine sent these to me and I have to say some really made me laugh and a few even made me cry. It is scarey just how true and how sad they are:

Occupy the world !

I have to start by saying I don't fully understand the whole Occupy movement. You see for me I was not there at the start, I was living in a remote part of Africa at the time, so the only exposure was CNN and a few posts on Facebook, mainly my daughter, so for me all it was was people moaning about life and how unfair it all was. So when I came home late last year I wanted to get up to speed on the whole thing.

I went to vist the Occupy London camp at St.Pauls, and I must be honest to say that the people there just reaffirmed my view. People just moaning about how unfair life was, how hard life was, how the rich were all evil, how bankers were all greedy and how the world would soon end. It was all negitive, I did not hear one positive idea or suggestion. I just came away thinking how pointless the whole thing was.

Then I went online, I now had access to YouTube and so I watched copious videos and started to see both sides of the debate. And it was there I saw the first positives, social media was really being used to convey a message, and thats a really good thing. But when you check Facebook, the Occupy Movement starts to look such an American thing, 90% of the groups were US, a good thing and a bad thing in my eyes. However thanks to this wave of voices, the injustises of a country I had been living in, Nigeria, suddenly have a band-wagon they could jump on, and so "Occupy Nigeria" could take place. This for me was the second real positive.

But my issues are this, what is the point ? what is the goal ? who are these people ? and most of all, what ideas are they putting forward ?

I have personally lived beside real poverty, lived in countries that excell at political and commercial corruption, I have seen first-hand the impact of greed, I have also lived in Nigeria and South Africa, but I do wonder if this movement can or will make an actual difference. One thing I have learned through life is never take things at face value, to question is to learn.

Facebook changes your mind

The explosion of Facebook and social media in recent years has sparked plenty of interesting societal, psychological and economic questions:

Why do so many people willingly splash their lives across the web?

What does it say about privacy in 2012?

How is this explosion changing media, technology and other industries around the globe?

A great essay in the Atlantic by Nathan Jurgenson tackles all of those questions and more.

The big idea?

Social media — like photography and other technologies before it — is altering the way that humans look at the world.

Here's how Jurgenson puts it:

For those who use Facebook, whose friends are on the site and logging in many times a day, we have come to experience the world differently. We are increasingly aware of how our lives will look as a Facebook photo, status update or check-in. As I type this in a coffee shop, I can "check-in" on Foursquare, I can "tweet" a funny one-liner overheard from the table next to me and I can take an 'interesting' photo of the perfectly-formed foam on top of my cappuccino. It is easy; I can do all of this and more from my phone in a matter of minutes. And, most importantly, there will be an audience for all of this. Hundreds of the people I am closest with will view all of this and some will reply with comments and "likes."
Simply, I have been trained to see the world in terms of what I can post to the Internet. I've learned to live and present a life that is "likeable."

To Jurgenson — "social theorist of media" who is working on a dissertation at the University of Maryland on "self-documentation and social media" — this should come as no surprise.

Technology has always changed the way that we view and interact with the world, from the discovery of fire, to the invention of the wheel, to the high speeds of railroads, to the earth-centric-shattering miracles of the space program.

Living life on the web is just another step on that long technological march.
"Today, social media has also provided a new, more social way to document ourselves, lives and world," he writes. "Never before was it possible to record and display to all of our friends a stream of photos, check-ins and status updates filled with our thoughts and opinions in such quantity and with such ease. The transformative power of social media surely is of similar magnitude and consequence as the invention of the photograph."

Interesting stuff, for sure.

A question for Nigerians

I was sitting watching YouTube videos of all the various OccupyNigeria protests and one thing struck me, one question came to my mind, so I thought I would ask it out load via my blog.

If a man came to each of you as an individual and offered to give you N1m, cash with no conditions, or they would build the worlds biggest oil refinery in Nigeria, which would you choose ?

I think there in lies just one of the reasons why today, after less than a week, the Occupy Nigeria movement is already closing down and winding up, why the movement is already over. You see for me, the vast majorty of nigerians are quite selfish, and most average nigerians, those earning N18k or less, the 90%, would take the N1m and not care that the oil refinery would solve so many of the countries problems.

Is that different from other countries, from other Occupy movements around the world? Yes I believe it is, and yes I believe that is very sad. Nigeria abeg, continue what you have started here and go for the real cause of your situation.

Goodluck Jonathan is not the problem. #occupynigeria

The uprising in Nigeria, the bandwagon that is now called “Occupy Nigeria” was born out of a natural reaction to the issue of the fuel subsidy being removed. On the back of all the worlds “Occupy” movements it was only natural that Nigeria would follow suit. This is a country with a very high social media usage, mainly Facebook, ridiculous levels of unemployment, a severe lack of education and the basics of a living standard, and so all the ingredients for this type of thing. Equally, with so many Nigerians now living in the western world, their tales of a better life have raised the expectation levels of the youth back home.

But one thing I have noticed while watching the videos on YouTube and Twitter is the anti Jonathan sentiment of those protesting. Okay so as President he is a natural target, but this is more about the man, rather than the position. For me, the target for all this should be the system, not the man. Lets be honest here, removing the subsidy is the correct thing to do, yes the timing sucks, and yes the speed of it could have been done better, but GEJ is doing the right thing and is having to take action because of the extreme failings of his predecessors. Nigeria is the 8^th biggest producer of oil in the world, so why does it have to import oil for its people? That is the biggest question. 

There are refineries in Nigeria, so fix them. If needs be, sell them to the private sector, regulate them, standardise them, condition them, but above all, get them working. Build new ones, maybe via a PPP, and place them in the states that don’t have oil, Cross River would be ideal, plus some of the northern states and then start to produce your own without having to import fuel. But this has been decades in the making, so its not down to GEJ, but fixing the problem is.   

Nigeria relies far too much on its Politian’s, for me, too many countries do that. Nothing works when governments are involved, less government will always result in more action. So my message for those involved in the Occupy Nigeria campaign, ignore GEJ, attack the government and Politian’s, attack the 1%, find a leader for the cause, but above all, create the solutions to the real problems, Goodluck is not the problem  

There is no such thing as Corruption in Nigeria #occupynigeria

I had the privilege to live and work in Nigeria for almost two years and in that time I met loads of Nigerian Politian’s, including His Excellency The President. But for the context of this post I have to go back to before I left England and headed to Naija. Before I left I went online and read all about the country. Violence, Fat Houses, poverty, no education, no roads, no health care, massive unemployment, and of course corruption, that’s all you read when researching Nigeria, that’s the outside world’s view of Nigeria. Fact, everything they say is correct, and is understated. Fact, all of this does not tell the whole story of one of this planets most wonderful countries. As you read this, know that the author is a super fan of Nigeria, I truly love the Federal Republic of Nigeria and its people.

But after living there I have to say, there is no such thing as corruption in Nigeria, not as we in the west know it. I remember a number of conversations with very senior people, “big boys” and journalists and they would all tell me the same thing, there is no corruption. But hold on I hear you say, we can see it, everywhere, and I for one experienced it, first hand. So what are they talking about? What am I talking about? Nigerians are very patriotic, they love their country and so no Nigerian will ever admit to me, an oyibo, that it exists. What does exist is “the Game”, and every single person plays that game.

“Eating the money” became my favourite expression within weeks of me arriving, “Chopping the money” and “small smalls” were sayings I soon had to learn the meaning of. You see the Game is how this country works, or rather, it is why this country does not work, but most Nigerians don’t see that. If a normal person chops some money, that’s okay, if a Politian does it, that’s the game, if an outsider does it, wahala day, especially if that outsider is black. No Politian in Nigeria can get anywhere without playing the game, no one. The game is so ingrained in the fabric of the nation, it is so integral that the whole system relies on it.

During my time in Nigeria I saw it first hand, Tax collectors, Union Representatives, Judges and Lawyers, hotel staff, sales people, suppliers, accountants, doctors and teachers, charity workers, including UN staff, civil servants, journalists, tourism officials, NGO’s, the police, government officials, immigration people, the SSS, absolutely everyone was playing the game in one way or the other. It is not corruption, it is the way it is, the way the country’s economy is built, even the anti-corruption people are playing the game ! But for me as an outsider, an oyibo, the single biggest failing of the system is that they would eat the money before doing the job, at the expense of doing the job, so nothing moves forward, nothing improves.

The lesson of Doctor Bob #joke #funny

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their

patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Bob...........                                 

Bob ...............

Bob..........

Bob........

...........you're a vet.

Nelson at Trafalgar 2012 #joke #funny

Nelson at Trafalgar 2012

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.  Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!! #joke #funny

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

The Legend Returns. #Arsenal

Oh what a night, oh what a magical, wonderful moment in life. The legend returns and then delivers. I guess of all the copious Arsenal legends it is only Thierry that could have done what he did last night. It was not just his goal, but it was the way in which he scored. It was not just a goal to win a cup-tie, it was pure class, pure beauty. Clean crisp finish, no panic, calm head, he just did what he has always done.

Sure Leeds put up the barrier, they wanted a draw, they parked the bus and boy they did it very well. Arsenal huffed and puffed and could not break it down. Arsenal had chances, and Ramsey was running everything, but with the players on the pitch I was not sure we would ever score, for me it was only Chamberlain who looked like he might get one. But then, we had on our bench a young man, who it could be said, it was written in the stars, would come on and score, and the legend did not disappoint.

I feel sorry for Leeds, the more they made it difficult, the more it make it inevitable, the longer it went on at 0-0, the more you just knew who it was that was going to make the difference. And so it proved, Class is permanent and Thierry Henry is pure class. What a magical moment.......

Celebrity Big Brother, the first nominations #cbb @bigbrothermad

So the first set of nominations are in and the first two up are Georgia and Andrew. For me I am surprised by Andrew being up, although I must also say I find him amazingly annoying. He would have been my nomination along with the Twins.

But as these two are up, then it is my guess that it will be Georgia that goes first. I am disappoing by her, as I have said on a previous post, she adds very little to the house, and there is more to being a Housemate than just being pretty. But I think she will go because it is normal for the girls to go first, and she has been dull, I just can't see anyone spending phone credit to save her.

As for Andrew, he annoys me, he has such an ego. Even the other Celeb's have commented on it. But at least he is doing doing stuff and he certainly is getting air time. He is giving the show something to talk about, even if it is only what a knob he is, and that in it's self should be enough to save him.

Celebrity Big Brother, Georgia Salpa #cbb @bigbrothermad

The undoubtedly hot Georgia Salpa is a glamour model from Ireland who was recently in the headlines for dating Calum Best.The 26-year-old Greek born brunette describes herself as a career woman and is rarely seen out of a bikini, with a body to die for.Georgia’s job as a glamour model started when she became the only Irish finalist in the first “High Street Honeys” competition run by FHM magazine and she has been the face of fake tan, clothing lines and even wrestling ever since.

It’s safe to say that Georgia looks a hell of a lot like American reality star Kim  Kardashian, with the glamour model joking that she wouldn’t mind getting bum implants to be even more like her. And this should have resulted in the TOWIE star falling in love, but even he seems to have cooled already. Georgia and Calum dated for three months after meeting on Celebrity Salon and went on holiday together pretty much every weekend.They split last September shortly after he was pictured leaving a club with Byker Grove star Donna Air.

Georgia told The Sun afterwards: “Yes, it's all over. I am upset over it as we were a proper couple.

“He says nothing happened and wants to stay together but I can't trust him and that's definitely it. I saw the pictures with her and I would like to believe him that nothing happened but I don't want to be one of those girls who takes people back no matter what they do.”
Given that it doesn’t sound like Georgia is one to bite her tongue, this is going to be fun, or at least so we thought. Georgia is again doing a superb impression of being nothing more than a body, albeit a very nice body. But yawn yawn, yawn, either BB is not showing her, which would be a surprise, or there really is nothing to her, which for me is a real shame.

Celebrity Big Brother, the Twins #cbb @bigbrothermad

I have to be honest to say that when I first heard that the Shannon Twins were going to be "Housemates" in the 2012 edition of Celebrity Big Brother I was pleased, interested and curious. Lets be honest here, they are good looking girls who should know how to work it in a bikini. They should have a few interesting stories of life in that other famous house across the pond and I would have thought they had met some cool people so show have some good stories. But after only three days in the house I am already very bored of them.

I really hate the idea that all blondes are dumb. And just because they are only famous for being Heff's girlfriends and getting thier kit off, I still had to believe that there would be more to them. Yes I had hoped they would have a brain, even one between the two, and that if not, then at least they really would have been fun girls, who know how to have a laugh and not take themselves too seriously.

But for now, and this is me making a judgement after only seeing three hours of CBB, it really should be a case of "get them out". Of course it won't come to that, there are others who are worse, and certainly others who are less popular, Natasha for one, and Andrew Stone who is maybe the biggest ego I have ever seen on the show. Andrew makes Pete Burns look resonable. So yes as far as the Twins go it will depend on the votes for who is up, and if either Frankie or Natasha are up, then they are gone first, but this years show won't lose anything if the twins were to leave. Sorry girls but this middle aged man got bored of you so easily, maybe I am not old enough to enjoy your charms.

One final thing, when is someone going to ask them, what its like to sleep with Heff ? and is being famous worth it ?

CBB2012 Sponsored by Tampax ! #cbb @bigbrothermad

I have to say I really thought there was laws in the UK against this sort of thing. But it is good to see, and clear to see that "product placement" is alive and well and living in the Big Brother house. I mentioned in a previous post about CBB2012 that I thought it was a very girly house but adding this is pandering to their needs just a little much.

Yes it's a chair with a built in sanitory towel !

CBB 2012 Sponsored by Tampax !

Celeb BB 2012, first impression @bigbrothermad #cbb

So last night I sat down to watch this years housemates enter the "most famous house in Britain", as little Brian insisted on calling it every two minutes. And having watched the gossip over the past few weeks in the main I knew who was comming. Yes the twins were there, but also added were a few more eye-candy girls. In fact that was the first thing that struck me, it is a very girly house this year, and there's Denise as well.

The three I got wrong were, Shaun Williamson, Wagner (no loss) and Ruby Wax (big loss). But in their place we got Nicola McLean, Gareth Thomas, Romeo and a girl I have never heard of from my home town of Dublin, Georgia Salpa. It does have to say for the record Miss Salpa is a very attractive girl, but I would also add, for anyone who saw the show last night, why could she not have worn a dress that did not need constant hauling up !

Of course it has to be expected that BB would give us a few surprises, it's his job after all, and in fairness he did not let us down. Gareth and Romeo will do very well this year and I think both were a surprise. But on the first night there were two excellent surprises, the first was the openning night task given to Nat, and the second, was just how easily and wonderfully she carried it out. I bet BB was hoping for more reaction, but Nat played it so well, she does have a very quick mind, and lies so well.

Of course no BB would be right, or work, without a villan, or in this case two. Mrs Giggs as expected was booed right from the off, and little Frankie got a reception that perhaps starts to take him down a peg or two. The first of those up for eviction will be gone, even "cute" Frankie. I also must say that I was so disappointed in Michael, he really did not look like he had a clue, and all but said he was only in it for the "job", shame he is so desperate.

So on Day one here is my predictions, the Twins will be a bore, Michael will be this years walker, and if I was putting money on it, I would pick Gareth as this years winner, with Nat in the final. There will be no romance, but thats BB's fault, why do they put in all the mum's !






One more picture of Geo, just for the fun of it !

Husband Down !!!

Husband Down 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. 

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans'    he replies. 

'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 

˜ What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7